Well I am not sure if I am going to have this read by public but I wanted to start something to help me work through the frustrations of deployment. Cory has been gone for a week and I think I have talked to him a total of three times. He is working a shift that is the complete opposite of our schedules so I am am frustrated with that. I know he can't help it and I know he is concerned that if he gets a hold of me after he gets off of work that he is going to be disturbing me if I am asleep but he isn't. If I don't talk to him I don't sleep. As of right now I have been up officially for a little over 48 hours. It is not good for my health and I know that I have to resign myself to the fact that he may not be able to get in touch with me. It is selfish for me to want him to contact me everyday but after 5 years of marriage 8 years of being together and 4 deployment and numerous TD Y's I think I have earned the right to be selfish. I know that he loves me and is concerned for me and I love him for it. The kids are missing him and it shows. He hasn't even been able to talk to him. Cassi is scared she is going to miss him or that he doesn't love her. I know that isn't the case but how do you explain that to a 6 year old that wants her daddy. And how to do you explain to a 3 year old that their daddy is not even in this country and can't come home. I have tried to show them maps and explain to them on the calendar, but they do not understand. I can not expect them too . They are kids. They won't understand. The best I can do is try to help them write him letters or make him pictures and things like that.
I am frustrated. I am worried. I am scared. And I love my husband so much sometimes it hurts. We have gotten so close in this past year I don't want to be away from him. I don't want to sleep alone. I want to hold my husband at night and hear about his day. I want to tell him about my day. I want to be able to fall asleep in his arms. This hurts. It feels like my heart is breaking. I feel like a part of my soul has been ripped from me. I just want him home. I want to look at him and tell him I am more in love with him now than I was 8 years ago.
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